We are officially two weeks into the New Year, and what have you done so far? Me? Seems like a whole lot of nothing. Normally, New Year's is my favorite holiday. A fresh clean slate, like a blanket of winter snow across my life, making everything new again and bringing clarity, hope and determination. This year, well this year just seemed to get off to a rough start.
Christmas seemed especially hectic, with a full-time job and two part-time gigs, a teenager to shuttle around (no he's not old enough to drive yet!) and a household to run. In retrospect, I don't think it was any more hectic than usual, but for some reason this year it bothered me a LOT more. I've been dealing with random bouts of free-floating anxiety, magnified by lack of sleep and stress. Christmas, work, family, etc. all felt overwhelming this year as opposed to joyful holiday happy fun time. And that stress spilled over into my favorite time of year, making my usually lovely New Year feel old and tired. Rather than a fresh blanket of snow, it was like a bad April melt with dirt and slowly defrosting dog crap. I made my usual resolutions list, did my normal reflection and re-evaluation of my life. But it didn't feel good. It didn't feel real.
The other night I was driving home from work, and I noticed a bumper sticker on the car in front of me. Bumper stickers here usually scream out some kind of crazed political message that I don't care about, or a pun that is only half-funny the first time (Visualize Whirled Peas...). This bumper sticker, however, said something that immediately hit home for me:
Remember who you wanted to be.
When you were five, who did you want to be? I know I wanted to be a singer, dancer, artist, writer, saver of lost dogs, lost children and pretty much world famous. I wanted to make a difference, leave my mark, change things. Maybe not in a way my five year old brain could imagine, but I knew I wanted something. Even at five, I felt a strong desire to do something, be something, find something.
As I was driving, all these thoughts filled my head. Who I wanted to be, who I have become. Understanding that I am still growing, changing, never stagnant. Trying to figure out my place in this world, even though I've been occupying space here for nearly half a decade. Realizing that my biggest problem was an inability to get out of my own way, stilling the fearful voices in my head and letting my drive and determination take me to the pinnacle of who I wanted to be.
There's a book I read, and sometimes still read again, called "The War of Art". It talks about Resistance. Resistance is that voice in your head that says "you can't" or "I don't have time" or "If only..." Most artists will tell you that the voice of Resistance is one of the most difficult to shout down. But shout it down you must. If you want to see your dreams realized, see the person you wanted to be become the person you are, you have to fight past all the procrastination, all the daily nonsense and drama, all the things that tell you NO. You have to fight past it, and tell yourself YES.
So now, as we hit the 15 day mark of 2014, my New Year vibe is finally starting to pick up. I'm finding my stride and my flow, reassessing my goals and ideas for this year. I reviewed the half-hearted resolutions I wrote down during my dark December, and saw that most of them come down to the concept that hit me when I saw that bumper sticker.
Get out of your own way, and remember who you wanted to be.
Make 2014 the year for YOU. Whatever it is you want, find it, grab it, get it. Don't just remember who you wanted to be. BE that person. It's all on you. And you can do it.
